It is finally time for
me to share my story in the hopes that it can benefit parents who are
trying to make the best decision possible for their baby boys with regard to
the question of circumcision. Please
note that I have my son’s permission to tell this story.
My son was born
back in 1989. The question of
circumcision came up in a discussion with my husband only days before he was
born. My husband was more in line with the idea of not circumcising because
there was no compelling reason he could think of to do so.
My thinking was as follows:
1) I thought that a
circumcision was the equivalent to the discomfort of an episiotomy. From everything I knew about it, it was a
completely minor little snip that was supposed to benefit my child. I thought the pain was minimal and
short-lived and the benefits were worth it.
I thought I was doing the best thing for my son.
2) Everyone else did it,
so it must be good (like when everyone else got drunk in college).
3) I thought it was healthier…
cleaner… and that my son would be less susceptible to infection and disease.
4) I thought it prevented
him from giving his sexual partners cervical cancer.
5) I thought it prevented
the spread of HIV.
6) I thought it would
bring no harm to him.
7) I had never seen an
uncircumcised penis, so I had no idea what the procedure really entailed. I had
no knowledge of what foreskin really was or how much of it would be taken from
him, or that it had any benefit at all to him. In fact, I thought it was more
in line with an appendix… and back then I didn’t think an appendix had any
benefit to anyone either.
His circumcision was
performed without consequence to him…. I thought. In fact, I believed that to
be true until a year ago. The day of the circumcision, he was brought to me
(likely several hours later… I honestly cannot say how long it was because I
was recovering from a C-section.) He seemed “fine”… maybe a little cranky… kind
of like when a baby has gas pains.
Since the nurses
changed him, I had no idea there was any bleeding.
I kept him in my arms
for hours after… and he slept peacefully.
Fast forward to a year
ago….
I began receiving
phone calls from my son who was 22 years of age and working full time in a
prestigious company. The conversations
began with him asking me why I had opted for him to be circumcised. I told him much of what I wrote above. During these phone calls I detected some
discomfort in his mental state, but thought little of it – that he was simply
learning about circumcision that he had never thought much about before.
The phone calls became
more and more frequent, and over the ensuing days they became more panicked,
more anxiety-filled… and quite honestly, I thought he was blowing things waaaay
out of proportion. In my mind, it was
just a snip and he was making a big deal about something that was not that big
of a deal. (Today I regret my reaction deeply… but I had no idea what I was
about to learn….)
I credit my son for
continuing to call me… for persevering in sharing his thoughts and what he was
discovering…. for not giving up in trying to help himself, and for working
painstakingly to get me to understand. Though
I still thought he was overplaying it, as a mother I never allowed my
suspicions to get the better of my thinking in the off chance that I was wrong…
I am glad I followed my gut on that. I
offered him empathy for his feelings… but I still didn’t understand what was
going on in his mind. I had no idea that
this was NOT something that “suddenly occurred to him”. I had no idea that for several years prior he
had been experiencing a secret hell.
I recall during one of
our interactions, he told me that the foreskin has thousands of nerve endings,
and that circumcision removes the foreskin, depriving men from sexual pleasure. In my stupid, ignorant thinking, I said
something that I will never forgive myself for… because it demonstrated the
insensitivity I had for the subject and for his concerns… it demonstrated a
callousness that I have come to learn was a defensive
move on my part because I could not at the time admit that maybe… I
had made a terrible mistake. What I said
was, “Well maybe that’s not such a bad thing since men have such a huge sexual
drive as it is! I cannot imagine what the demand for sex would be if all men
had that additional sexual drive.”
Had I been in my son’s
shoes hearing that, and knowing what he knew at the time, I’m not sure I would have been as forgiving. I now understand
why circumcision has ruined so many relationships between sons and their
parents… and this in itself is one of the many terrible things that happen to
men going through this. I am grateful
that my son and I had the tools to work through this. I am grateful for our
ability to communicate and persevere – for my ability to remain open-minded,
and for his ability to realize that he had a long way to go to get me to
understand everything.
I don’t know how many
phone calls I received from him over those months, but I can safely say
it was well over 40 calls, and that each call averaged 1-2
hours – some only 45 minutes – a few as long as 3-4 hours. At the time I thought I was helping him by
being there for him. In retrospect I see that his goal was to get ME to a place
of understanding that would benefit him. I am so glad that every time that call
came in – even though my heart would sink and my stomach would turn and at
times I wanted to run… I picked up that call on the first ring. And I closed my eyes and said to myself… “I’m
going to stay on this call for as long as it takes to get him through this day,
this hour, this minute.”
One day he called in
tremendous emotional pain. He told me he could not work on his job, and that he
had reached a decision that he needed quit his job. He was filled with pain and anxiety and loss
of hope; that his life was in ruin and he literally could not think about his
work. I could not believe that it had
brought him to this point. I still wondered if he was putting this issue way
out of proportion. We talked a long time
that day. He was in pieces… unable to
remain employable. I knew he had reached
a precipice, and although I still didn’t get it, I knew I had to believe
him. I’m so glad now that I did.
It was on his lunch
hour and he had decided he was not returning to work that day. I was able to
‘talk him of the ledge’ a bit… I was able to convince him not to quit his job,
but to ask for a leave of absence.
However, to do this was not going to be easy… One cannot just go to
one’s boss and say “I need to take a leave of absence because my parents cut
off a huge chunk of my cock 22 years ago.”
So I suggested he give them another line… that his mother was ill… (and
she was)… I suggested he tell them he needed to get to her and help her. And in reality, he did.
Between that day and
the time that he drove up to me, I recall being on one of the many calls we
had… and yes whenever he called, I would stop whatever I was doing… at that
time I had just pulled into a parking lot at CVS… and there I sat taking the
call and listening… and suddenly it all hit me… I finally… got … it… It was an
honest-to-God epiphany. I’ll never
forget that moment.
To be honest, I don’t
even know what it was that he said that day that finally made me get it… perhaps it
was just that one last puzzle piece that allowed me to finally see the whole
picture.
From that point on I
was on a mission to learn as much about the issue as I could. There are so many great videos out there but
the two that were the most impacting to me were:
1)
Penn & Teller’s:
“Penn & Teller - Circumcision: Make the informed decision featuring
Dr. Dean Edell“
And I don’t even like Penn & Teller, but this one is
good. It shows an actual circumcision that absolutely MUST be witnessed at
least once before taking a stand on this issue. I have only witnessed one
circumcision and I don’t know if I will ever be able to watch another, but I am
grateful to this video – I watched the entire video. It was my duty to do so.
2)
Marilyn Milos’ “The Penis - Sex Education 101”
This video sent me into an hour-long cry because now I
understood not only what I had done to my son, but how in addition to our sons
being robbed of this amazing sexual experience, our women here in America are
robbed of a sexual experience they will never have with a circumcised
male. It’s very hard for me to say this
when I know my son will be reading this. But the truth is, intercourse is NOT
supposed to be rough and drying and painful as it is here in America. It is
supposed to be slow and explosive and intimate. Women are robbed of this
experience as well.
On this same subject, I came across a quote by a man that
explains his experience:
“I can tell you first hand what it is like. I have a lack
of sensitivity. I either need to try to climax quick and early or else I
basically go numb after more than 5 minutes of intercourse. If I try to delay
my orgasms, they just don't happen, this has led to many problems in my
relationships, due to my partners always wondering what they are doing wrong,
or if I am not attracted to them. Sex is not meant to end with your partner
crying because they can not stimulate an orgasm from you.”
What took me so long to understand was that circumcised men spend their lives chasing a feeling they
will never be able to experience fully, and in chasing this feeling, they are
forced to have rougher sex. As a
country, we have the biggest lies facing us on this issue… and as difficult as
it is to fight these lies, someone has to speak out and share their experience
in order to convince others not to make the same mistake.
In closing, allow me to tell you what I have learned in the
past year….
1)
Believe your son when he comes to you about the emotional
and physical pain he has suffered and will continue to suffer as a result of having
been circumcised.
2)
There is a reason why parents aren’t invited to witness
their son’s circumcision.
3)
Doctors sometimes drug a baby after the circumcision and
before they are returned to the parents.
4)
There was no way that my son didn’t suffer excruciating
pain during his circumcision. There was no way he wasn’t permanently
emotionally damaged at his core by what I now know is nothing but sick,
barbaric forced mutilation on a tied down, helpless infant for no good reason.
I learned that boys all over the United States are being brutally disfigured,
and while Europe and most other western countries have come to their senses and created laws against this act, very few Americans have realized the truth.
5)
I learned that male circumcisions are as bad or worse than many female circumcisions.
6)
I learned that if circumcision were to be witnessed by the
public, there is no way the ritual would continue.
7)
I learned that if we did not currently perform
circumcisions here in the US, there is no way it could be introduced here now, even for the same reasons doctors give now. Understanding what a
circumcision entails is key to this issue.
8)
I learned that my son experienced terrible pain early on
when he first entered puberty. His erections were painful and he never said
anything because he didn’t realize how wrong this was. He thought it was the
way it was supposed to feel.
9)
I learned that once in a school locker room, my son's good friend who was intact told him that he could not imagine what it would be
like not have his foreskin. He empathized with him… and that was his first
realization that he was in fact violated…. And there began the moment of this
painful road for him.
10)
My son feels that his violation is comparable to that of
having been raped. After all I have learned about this, he is correct.
11)
I believe that there are likely a staggering number of
suicides due to circumcision, and that they are not all sons… they are family
members unable to find forgiveness.
12)
My son experiences pain with intercourse… again, something
he didn’t realize was not right.
13)
My son now lives with a reality he can never change
entirely. He will never be able to have his foreskin in the way it should have
been. This is a tremendous emotional pain for him (and, therefore, me). He is
not wrong to expect this will affect his future relationships.
14)
I had to apologize in the most heartfelt way to my son, and
I was lucky to have a son who could find the compassion within himself to forgive me. I am
grateful he accepted my apology and that he never showed enraged anger toward me
personally, even though he would have been justified. But he must have felt it.
Forgiveness is so important for him… and to the parents who need to hear this… it’s hard to forgive a parent who doesn’t ‘get
it’ and who does not ask for that forgiveness.
15)
If my son had not had me to talk to about this over
hundreds of hours, I honestly don’t know what would have become of him. Men
have nowhere to turn with this issue. There are no groups that I know of that
truly help a man through this pain. I have started a group on Facebook to
connect men to each other (and parents to each other) for this purpose. Please
pass the word along. It is difficult to
find these men because it is such a taboo thing to talk about. That has GOT to change. I believe if we talk about it enough, people
will finally ‘get it’… and while we are talking about it… and before they ‘get
it’, we will seem obnoxious to them. And that’s okay.
16)
It is my belief that a significant number of circumcised
men do not know what they are missing.
How lucky they are. It is the
inquisitive man who is unafraid to know truths that comes to the realization of
what was done to him; and once this occurs, there is no going back. That most
men do not know is why it is so painfully difficult for those who do to speak
out. They are ridiculed and called babies or worse… when in fact they are the
bravest men I know. Think about it… if
you had this done to you, wouldn’t there be a part of you that didn’t want to
“go there”? These men not only get through this, but they come out the other side ready and willing to fight for all the babies about to undergo this. These men are some of the most selfless people I know.
17) Yet, these men cannot heal simply by becoming activists on this
issue. It is a mistake for a man in
emotional recovery from this to assume that all he need do is become an
activist. He has to find someone who will listen to him and work through this
pain… and it is not something that will ever go away. He needs to confront his
parents, but many men do not have that ability or luxury. For anyone to think
otherwise is as ignorant as a person who thinks losing a limb is a temporary
emotional process. In fact, my guess is that if given the choice of losing a
limb or being circumcised, many or most of these men would choose to lose the
limb over the circumcision.
18)
The idea that mutilating a penis is the answer to cervical
cancer is as outrageous as suggesting that all females have their cervix
removed at birth, or removing a female infant’s breasts to avoid breast cancer.
19)
There are only two things a person can do to prevent HIV... abstain or
use a condom. The form of the penis has nothing to do with the spread of
this disease.
20)
Boys are born perfectly. America mutilates their boys.
21)
Male circumcision is NOT a small snip. Watch the video.
22)
Circumcision is excruciating. Watch the video. There is no one who can honestly say
otherwise.
23)
Circumcision is BIG BUSINESS. A 6-minute mutilation for a few
hundred bucks a pop… not a bad business to be in if you’re a cruel bastard… But
the after market for human foreskin is where the real money is made. Foreskins
are sold to biomedical companies, which use them in the manufacture of insulin.
They're also sold to middlemen, who package them for sale to research companies
that in turn use them for biochemical analysis. Large corporations are taking
cells from amputated foreskins and experimenting with artificial skin. Some
products sells for about $3,000 per square foot, are grown from the cells in
infant foreskins and used as a temporary wound covering for burn patients. One
foreskin contains enough genetic material to grow 250,000 square feet of skin.
24)
I will never again trust something because “everyone else does it, so it must be right”.
25)
It is tremendously difficult to forgive yourself as a
parent after realizing what happened to your son. I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to stop agonizing
over the worst decision I have ever made and that I regret terribly… so many
evenings I wish I could send a telepathic message to myself back in time. Truth
is, it never occurred to me to question it… and that brings a whole myriad of
other questions to my way of thinking altogether.
26)
If a man takes a bath or a shower every day, he has a clean
penis. The whole argument about intact men having dirty penises is not
applicable in the United States of America where we have clean, running water.
27)
I’ve come to learn that if you tell the general public the
same lies over and over and over… eventually it will become their unquestioned
truth, sadly.
28)
I’ve learned that we need to organize groups for men to
feel comfortable talking to one another, and perhaps doctors who understand
(there are so few) without having to pay money for a mental health counselor
who has little to no knowledge on this subject.
I’ve learned I must reach out to other sons who may not have anyone to
talk to. If you are one of them, feel free to email me at nancynj2011@gmail.com
One final opinion... If your spouse does not agree
with you... don't give up... don't give in... and don't sell out your son for
the sake of the marriage. This is not an issue that should end in divorce, and
if it does, this issue was likely not the real problem. Your son's life
is not a pawn to play in the marriage - this decision is not a bargaining chip
for your spouse to get something in return. Imagine your son... a man... 30
years old, looking you squarely in the face, and asking you why you backed
down. It is your duty once you 'get it' to stand by him.
Blessings to all the parents, sons, girlfriends,
wives, and siblings who are all victims of circumcision.
